The Panic Monster.

PLEASE NOTE THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS.

The panic attacks have gotten to a point where they are literally taking over.

I spend most of the day now in anticipation (unhealthy, yes, I know). But my panic attacks have gotten to the point now where I wait, knowing that some time soon, probably when I try to settle in for the evening and shake off the stresses of the day, that heart rate will be going up. I feel the nausea sweeping through me and that's when I get hot. Half of my mind is going 'now, now, Kimberley, just breathe, focus on what you're doing, concentrate, it won't amount to anything...' while the other half is going 'You're going to die. This is it. This is the end. Here's the hot flush - you must be ill, you're unwell, you're not safe, we need to get up, move around, GO GO GO' and before I know it, my throat has closed up, I'm unable to sit down anymore and I'm pacing the lounge, my bedroom, the halfway, my head getting more and more dizzy as it passes. I'm touching my face, clinging on to my neck, shaking shaking SHAKING and feel half-way between as though I've been hit by a bus and the other half almost wanting to jump in front of one just to stop the pain, the misery, the... suffering as melodramatic as it sounds.

Panic attacks are one of those things that don't sound that 'serious' and to be fair, they're not, in the sense that you're not going to die from them, you're not going to have a heart attack from one, or anything like that. But to me, in that moment, they are the worst thing I could go through. Painful, debilitating - they turn me into this shaky little girl, terrified of everything, everyone (including myself). My eyes whizz around my head, unable to focus on anything in front of me. Thoughts go over and over and over in my mind, some of them so... pedantic, pointless, meaningless. But they're there, and my head is loud, so loud, it's like my conscious is screaming at me.

And how on earth do you stop that cycle of being scared and preoccupied with when the next one is going to spring on you? It's so easy for someone to say 'well, just don't think about it! You don't know what's going to happen!' - Yes. True. Also INCREDIBLY frustrating for someone with an anxiety disorder. Not only do I not want another panic attack but I also like to know exactly what's going on and when (not practical, I know!).

The 'problem' with me (as it has been referred to by most therapists/doctors/etc) is that I'm too 'high functioning.' Jeez, just typing that makes me angry. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to be 'high functioning', whatever that is, but truth is, I've just lived with this very anxious little brain for so many years now that it's like I've had to almost hide it. An outsider sees me as this high achieving full-time student, in a strong relationship and holding down a good job. Inside, I'm crying out for someone to see the frightened little girl inside who feels like she's constantly going to spontaneously combust with anxiety and obsessive thoughts. The bigger issue comes when you're not with a professional who may understand your situaition - how do you tell someone you've only just met you suffer with such extreme panic attacks that it's highly likely that if they're on their own with you, they have a good chance of having to get a health professional at some time during our knowing of one another? How do you approach a new employer and say 'well thanks! I'm so glad I did so well in the interview and you see me doing well in the company, but did I mention that sometimes I breathe so fast that my lips turn blue and my legs end up not working?'

At the moment, I feel stuck between being happy in terms of I have exciting things happening in my life right now but I would do anything to feel that happiness without the bloomin' panic that comes with it all. The sleepless nights but the very sleepy days. The wanting to eat everything one minute and not being physically able to eat the next. The hand-washing over and over until the skin on my hands split. All I want is to enjoy my holiday, my time off from uni, spend time with my family, my friends, explore the county and simply be... peaceful.

Anyway, I've started some new tablets but after a freakin' Horrendous (it deserved a capital 'h') panic attack tonight, my anxious brain is kinda not wanting to continue them, even though I've only taken three. I've been on Escitalopram for quite some time now which got increased a couple of months ago but I'm wondering whether it's doing the trick any more. This time, my wonderful doc has added Busperone with it as well. I was originally prescribed these a year ago but the emetophobic in me just couldn't handle it I guess. I'm thinking of giving it a break from the new tablets until I'm back from my little holiday next week. Whilst the travelling is bound to cause a stir, at least I can try and rationalise it without the worry of extra tablets.

Do you suffer from panic attacks? How do you cope? How do you stay strong when they seem to be grinding you down? I'd love your top tips so I can share on another (hopefully more cheerful/useful) blog post later.

Take care for now.

Love,

Kimberley x