So where are we at?

I've chosen today to start my blogging journey for a few reasons. 

I moved back to Norwich about three months ago now and it seems like my anxiety and OCD is at an all time high. Lots of moving around in the past year has meant that I've not really had any professional support put in place and as a result, it's left me feeling a bit lost at times. Throw in a ton of uni work for the end of the year and my stress levels have rocketed. 

So what does this look like? Panic attacks are getting worse - my poor best friend sat through a particularly bad one just a couple of weeks back. We were outside a classroom at uni, and I couldn't stand so there I am, a heap on the floor with blue lips and sweating like I'm in a sauna. Plus a LOT of tears. What didn't help with my embarrassment was when the very nice security guard brought a big ol' fan from the staff room to cool me down. 

From the OCD point of view, my other half is doing so well considering I'm needing constant reassurance. I have this huge fear of contamination and it's without a doubt getting worse. My hands are so raw from washing that I can't seem to even stretch them out flat without having discomfort from it. My wonderful grandad told me the answer to all my problems would be Vaseline (bless him!) but having such oily hands doesn't really help and I get so uncomfortable with it on I wash it off soon after. 

The anxiety in general terms means I'm always worrying about something. But now I'm worrying about worrying. I'm panicking about panicking and it's this vicious cycle that starts to make me enjoy life that little bit less and generally puts me on a downer. My sleep has been pretty bad too, with the OCD causing lots of intrusive thoughts that just go wurr wurr wurr in my head.

Anyway, what am I doing about this? Turns out that it's not as straightforward getting back into statutory services as I thought. I can't access the last therapy I had (ACT) because it's not offered very much, but I'm a bit too unwell for general support from our local Wellbeing Service. It's always difficult being in that limbo and it's certainly something I think should change. People shouldn't have to wait until they are only experiencing symptoms to the point of crisis to receive care. Prevention is better than cure, as they say.

I've finally decided to go along to a local support group I should have started last year though for OCD. I went for the first time this week and I must say I was surprised. I thought I'd panic and just basically have a melt down, but my partner came with me, held my hand the whole time, and by the end of the session I was crying happy tears and my shoulders weren't so tense! I've waited a long time to meet people face-to-face who share similar symptoms with me and that night was the first time. I didn't have to feel embarrassed, scared or ashamed any more. I could be myself. And what a wonderful feeling that is.

If you have a diagnosis of OCD it can be extremely scary and even though a lot of people know how common it is, you can still feel very alone when you're in the midst of it all. I recommend visiting http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-groups and finding what local support groups are near to you. For some people, it may not be there cup of tea, but there's something very heartwarming and confidence-boosting about being around others just like you. 

So my first question for my readers - if you've been stuck waiting for professional support, what have you found has helped? Do you have a way to stop a panic attack in its midst? What helps when you're ruminating?

Love, 

Kim -x-