This is what it feels like.

I'm not sure why I decided to do this, but today I filmed a minor anxiety attack I had. I'd been thinking about doing it for a while but today just felt right. I've had a crappy week (and I mean Crappy with a capital 'C') but thankfully I was at home when this attack struck. It mostly involved hyperventilating, tension and an inability to move/talk/function. Stringing a sentence together was difficult and you'll see in the video I have lots of twitches and jerks which are common with my attacks.

Why did I do this? To be honest, I'm not sure I have the answer. All I knew was that this wasn't too bad, but I wanted people to see, to understand that even anxiety disorders on an 'alright' day can be discomforting and distressing. I would find it difficult to be in any kind of social situation when this happened (which you'll probably agree with after watching the video).

Anxiety disorders come with a lot of ambiguity and that's what I struggle with. It's the fact that I can be having an average day - today I've had a wonderfully productive cleaning day - and it can just come slap me in the face out of nowhere. That's the problem with an anxiety disorder, it just comes gobbles you up whenever it pleases.

I do have a video my partner decided to take from a couple of weeks back which shows me struggling with a particularly bad attack, but I'm not sure I want to share yet. We'll see how this goes first.

I think it's just important to recognise the physical symptoms an anxiety disorder brings with it. Yes, the psychological symptoms are incredible difficult to cope with and manage, but in combination with the physiological symptoms it can be hard to move at all.

If anyone is suffering with panic attacks, please know you are not alone. Seek help. Ask for support. You deserve it.

The Panic Monster.

PLEASE NOTE THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS.

The panic attacks have gotten to a point where they are literally taking over.

I spend most of the day now in anticipation (unhealthy, yes, I know). But my panic attacks have gotten to the point now where I wait, knowing that some time soon, probably when I try to settle in for the evening and shake off the stresses of the day, that heart rate will be going up. I feel the nausea sweeping through me and that's when I get hot. Half of my mind is going 'now, now, Kimberley, just breathe, focus on what you're doing, concentrate, it won't amount to anything...' while the other half is going 'You're going to die. This is it. This is the end. Here's the hot flush - you must be ill, you're unwell, you're not safe, we need to get up, move around, GO GO GO' and before I know it, my throat has closed up, I'm unable to sit down anymore and I'm pacing the lounge, my bedroom, the halfway, my head getting more and more dizzy as it passes. I'm touching my face, clinging on to my neck, shaking shaking SHAKING and feel half-way between as though I've been hit by a bus and the other half almost wanting to jump in front of one just to stop the pain, the misery, the... suffering as melodramatic as it sounds.

Panic attacks are one of those things that don't sound that 'serious' and to be fair, they're not, in the sense that you're not going to die from them, you're not going to have a heart attack from one, or anything like that. But to me, in that moment, they are the worst thing I could go through. Painful, debilitating - they turn me into this shaky little girl, terrified of everything, everyone (including myself). My eyes whizz around my head, unable to focus on anything in front of me. Thoughts go over and over and over in my mind, some of them so... pedantic, pointless, meaningless. But they're there, and my head is loud, so loud, it's like my conscious is screaming at me.

And how on earth do you stop that cycle of being scared and preoccupied with when the next one is going to spring on you? It's so easy for someone to say 'well, just don't think about it! You don't know what's going to happen!' - Yes. True. Also INCREDIBLY frustrating for someone with an anxiety disorder. Not only do I not want another panic attack but I also like to know exactly what's going on and when (not practical, I know!).

The 'problem' with me (as it has been referred to by most therapists/doctors/etc) is that I'm too 'high functioning.' Jeez, just typing that makes me angry. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to be 'high functioning', whatever that is, but truth is, I've just lived with this very anxious little brain for so many years now that it's like I've had to almost hide it. An outsider sees me as this high achieving full-time student, in a strong relationship and holding down a good job. Inside, I'm crying out for someone to see the frightened little girl inside who feels like she's constantly going to spontaneously combust with anxiety and obsessive thoughts. The bigger issue comes when you're not with a professional who may understand your situaition - how do you tell someone you've only just met you suffer with such extreme panic attacks that it's highly likely that if they're on their own with you, they have a good chance of having to get a health professional at some time during our knowing of one another? How do you approach a new employer and say 'well thanks! I'm so glad I did so well in the interview and you see me doing well in the company, but did I mention that sometimes I breathe so fast that my lips turn blue and my legs end up not working?'

At the moment, I feel stuck between being happy in terms of I have exciting things happening in my life right now but I would do anything to feel that happiness without the bloomin' panic that comes with it all. The sleepless nights but the very sleepy days. The wanting to eat everything one minute and not being physically able to eat the next. The hand-washing over and over until the skin on my hands split. All I want is to enjoy my holiday, my time off from uni, spend time with my family, my friends, explore the county and simply be... peaceful.

Anyway, I've started some new tablets but after a freakin' Horrendous (it deserved a capital 'h') panic attack tonight, my anxious brain is kinda not wanting to continue them, even though I've only taken three. I've been on Escitalopram for quite some time now which got increased a couple of months ago but I'm wondering whether it's doing the trick any more. This time, my wonderful doc has added Busperone with it as well. I was originally prescribed these a year ago but the emetophobic in me just couldn't handle it I guess. I'm thinking of giving it a break from the new tablets until I'm back from my little holiday next week. Whilst the travelling is bound to cause a stir, at least I can try and rationalise it without the worry of extra tablets.

Do you suffer from panic attacks? How do you cope? How do you stay strong when they seem to be grinding you down? I'd love your top tips so I can share on another (hopefully more cheerful/useful) blog post later.

Take care for now.

Love,

Kimberley x

So where are we at?

I've chosen today to start my blogging journey for a few reasons. 

I moved back to Norwich about three months ago now and it seems like my anxiety and OCD is at an all time high. Lots of moving around in the past year has meant that I've not really had any professional support put in place and as a result, it's left me feeling a bit lost at times. Throw in a ton of uni work for the end of the year and my stress levels have rocketed. 

So what does this look like? Panic attacks are getting worse - my poor best friend sat through a particularly bad one just a couple of weeks back. We were outside a classroom at uni, and I couldn't stand so there I am, a heap on the floor with blue lips and sweating like I'm in a sauna. Plus a LOT of tears. What didn't help with my embarrassment was when the very nice security guard brought a big ol' fan from the staff room to cool me down. 

From the OCD point of view, my other half is doing so well considering I'm needing constant reassurance. I have this huge fear of contamination and it's without a doubt getting worse. My hands are so raw from washing that I can't seem to even stretch them out flat without having discomfort from it. My wonderful grandad told me the answer to all my problems would be Vaseline (bless him!) but having such oily hands doesn't really help and I get so uncomfortable with it on I wash it off soon after. 

The anxiety in general terms means I'm always worrying about something. But now I'm worrying about worrying. I'm panicking about panicking and it's this vicious cycle that starts to make me enjoy life that little bit less and generally puts me on a downer. My sleep has been pretty bad too, with the OCD causing lots of intrusive thoughts that just go wurr wurr wurr in my head.

Anyway, what am I doing about this? Turns out that it's not as straightforward getting back into statutory services as I thought. I can't access the last therapy I had (ACT) because it's not offered very much, but I'm a bit too unwell for general support from our local Wellbeing Service. It's always difficult being in that limbo and it's certainly something I think should change. People shouldn't have to wait until they are only experiencing symptoms to the point of crisis to receive care. Prevention is better than cure, as they say.

I've finally decided to go along to a local support group I should have started last year though for OCD. I went for the first time this week and I must say I was surprised. I thought I'd panic and just basically have a melt down, but my partner came with me, held my hand the whole time, and by the end of the session I was crying happy tears and my shoulders weren't so tense! I've waited a long time to meet people face-to-face who share similar symptoms with me and that night was the first time. I didn't have to feel embarrassed, scared or ashamed any more. I could be myself. And what a wonderful feeling that is.

If you have a diagnosis of OCD it can be extremely scary and even though a lot of people know how common it is, you can still feel very alone when you're in the midst of it all. I recommend visiting http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-groups and finding what local support groups are near to you. For some people, it may not be there cup of tea, but there's something very heartwarming and confidence-boosting about being around others just like you. 

So my first question for my readers - if you've been stuck waiting for professional support, what have you found has helped? Do you have a way to stop a panic attack in its midst? What helps when you're ruminating?

Love, 

Kim -x-