My OCD Story.

You're laying there, in bed. It's 5am, and you know you need sleep, your body needs rest, it needs to recover from a day of anxiety. But instead your mind is going over and over and over. It's one thought normally, sometimes more. And it's horrible. It's an ugly thought. A scary thought. Your heart is pounding, you can feel your body covered with a cold sweat, but your legs can't move glued to the bed in terror. The thought seems so much more than just that - a thought - it's an image. It's something you feel is going to happen because you haven't done something. You turned the wrong way in the shower. You didn't scrub that particular part of your hand when you last washed them. The image becomes more and more vivid, brighter, yet more evil in substance. It consumes you, it makes you believe this is it, it will only be this way, because you have done something that's wrong, incorrect. You bad person. You awful person. You terrible person.

Heavy stuff, hey?

Yeah, OCD isn't all about the hand-washing. And I think we're starting (and I use that term very loosely) to understand that as a society. But yet, so many people think Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is purely excessive hand-washing and a fear of germs. Sure, for some people, it may be that. But understanding OCD only to that extent actually has quite a negative impact for OCD sufferers.

Watch this short video before you go any further to debunk some myths.

Here's my story - I got diagnosed with OCD in 2006 (though I have displayed symptoms since the age of seven and wasn't told I had been diagnosed with OCD until 2014). It's manifested in different ways as I've grown up, from hair pulling, to very very very scary hallucinations. I never understood what I was going through to be honest, and when I finally got told my official diagnosis in 2014, I kind of told them to take it back. I didn't want the label. OCD? I didn't have that! Sure I was petrified of sickness, my hands looking like something that should belong to a reptile family, and yeah, I was obsessed with balance and karma and constantly felt I had done something wrong... but that wasn't OCD... was it?

Thankfully, I had a brilliant psychiatric doctor who explained OCD to me, put an end to the misconceptions I had in my head, and organised a treatment plan for me. I went away with all this bumbly confusion in my head, very upset still to have been given such a diagnosis. But after doing some research, talking to my care coordinator and taking some time to let it sink in, I realised I did have this illness and it was time to accept it.

OCD has, unfortunately, taken control of my life to quite a debilitating level. It is centred around germs, sickness and illness predominantly, but there's also a lot of balancing and karma traits involved, as well as this idea that I've always done or said something wrong, and ultimately upset someone. I'm obsessed with making sure everyone around me is alright with me, to the point where it's annoying to others.

I now have so many OCD 'quirks' that it can be difficult to get through an average day.

On a typical day, I can easily wash my hands 20 + times. If I'm at work, that probably goes up to about 30 +. If I don't do it, I feel unclean, dirty and very upset. Sometimes so distressing it will cause a panic attack. If I can't wash my hands and then I have to do something, say, have a conversation with someone, it's like an almighty war in my head which means I can seem distracted and as though I'm not listening (I'm trying to, so just bear with me).

I have to shower a certain way and then get out of a shower by moving certain ways. It sounds odd writing it, but it's now a part of me that I just have to do. If I don't? I have to start again. Yup, it can take a while to get ready in a morning...

Eating's a huge thing. Cooking meat at home? Nope, might get sick. Eating chicken or seafood when out? Nope, might get sick. And that's all without the social aspect being triggering too. What if someone is ill? What if I touch someones hand? What if they ask me to try a bit of their food? What if they want to cook for me? ARGHHHH. Too difficult, so I just end up avoiding.

My phone has to be bleached several times a week, so does my handbag. I can't step on three drains. My pillows have to be turned over before I go to sleep in case my clothes are contaminated from when I've sat on the bed. I count the syllables when people talk (big time frustrating). I will rarely take medication, even if I'm in agony, through fear it will make me ill. I chuck so much food out through fear of contamination, it's pretty disgraceful.

That's just the physical behaviours - the mental ones are worse. The thought that I'm going to hit someone when I'm driving. Over and over and over. Or that I'm going to jump out the door when the car is moving. I'm gonna do it, now, now, now, now, jump, jump, jump, jump. Think about what I'm touching, all the damn time - Have I touched that handle? Did my hand graze past something, someone? Don't touch your face, don't touch it, DON'T TOUCH IT. When I talk to other people - Do they like me? Have I said something wrong? It's me, I've done something. I didn't come out of the shower the right way, and this is the price I have to pay. If I feel tired - I must be ill. I'm 'due' illness. I deserve this. This is my punishment for being a bad person. When anything in life goes wrong - Balance, balance, balance, where's the balance? Get the control back. Punish yourself to make the bad better. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. It's the only way to get the balance right. 

No wonder I'm so flippin' tired all the time.

OCD is genuinely a nightmare. It is exhausting, time-consuming, debilitating and at times, very lonely. It angers me so much when people say they're 'SOOOO OCD' when they have no idea whatsoever about this cruel illness, and how what they're saying is just making the lives of OCD sufferers even harder. We're fighting so many battles already, we don't want to be fighting stigma too.

We need to start teaching people about what life with OCD is like and it's the reason I'm writing this blog for OCD Awareness Week.

Thankfully, there is support and treatment out there. Having a diagnosis of OCD can be scary, but it doesn't have to make your world stop. There are lots of charities that are focused around research, raising awareness and providing specialist support. I'll list a few of my favourites below.

If you know someone living with OCD, please, be patient. The wars they are fighting in their own minds can be so tiring, and unless you have suffered with this illness, it's so difficult to put into words just how hard it can be. OCD sufferers can often recognise their behaviours are irrational, it is the illness that makes them believe that despite this, it is the way things have to be. Fortunately, it's not - CBT can help, and there are other therapies that can treat OCD too, along with medications.

For OCD Awareness Week, please start a conversation about mental health. Provide a listening ear to someone you know. Take a moment to recognise that we do not know the internal battles another individual may be facing.

For more support, please visit -

OCD-UK
Mind
OCD Action
NHS Choices

What does dignity mean to you?

You may have noticed that yesterday, October 10, was World Mental Health Day.

Across the globe, people was striking up conversations about mental health. It was all over Twitter, trending across the world, and was being talked about on news channels and radio stations everywhere. Even Wills and Kate got involved, visiting an anti-stigma event in London, talking to young people about their experiences of mental health problems.

It was fantastic seeing so many conversations taking place, the awareness that was being raised, the stigma that was being crushed by the power of conversation. Yet we still have so far to go in terms of equality for those with a mental health illness.

The theme for this year's World Mental Health Day is 'Dignity in Mental Health.' But what does that mean exactly? What does 'having dignity' look like for the individual? How can we make it better for those living with a mental health condition?

The definition of the word 'dignity', according to the Oxford Dictionary, is 'the state or quality of being worthy of honour or respect'. When I read that sentence, I find it hard to digest  that in 2015, there are individuals who wouldn't consider those suffering with mental illness worthy of respect, able to live in a society where they have freedom from being discriminated, abused or stigmatised against. But the reality is very different, and you don't have to search hard to find someone who with a diagnosed mental health illness has been treated without respect. 

From a personal point of view, I have been socially excluded because of my mental health problems. I have been treated differently from others, being made to feel I won't be able to 'handle' certain situations or that I won't be able to 'cope' with something. I have had difficult accessing health care when I have desperately needed it, with the result being a worsening of my symptoms. This of course has knocked my confidence, lowered my self-esteem and made it harder for me to be able to talk about my illness. 

What about from a wider point of view? The stigma associated with mental health means those suffering are talking less. Individuals are becoming scared to open up to their friends, family, employers or universities through fear of being treated differently and being deprived of a sustainable quality of life. The WHO even reports that some individuals with mental health problems are being subject to abuse and being deprived of making life decisions. 

The result? People with mental health illnesses are finding it more difficult to access work and education opportunities. Even the Work Capability Assessment has been recognised by the courts as being 'unfair' to those with mental health problems, forcing people who are unwell to have to go into work when they are unable to. With poor health care provision as well, those with mental health problems are even more likely to die prematurely. It can no longer continue to go on like this.

To me, dignity means being fully accepted into society, being given the same opportunities as every other individual in able to have a good quality of life. This, to me, doesn't seem like a lot to ask for in this day and age. I think I have been fairly lucky in comparison to some, but even in hospital I had moments where I believe I wasn't being treated in a dignified manner. 

As individuals, we can change this though. It all starts with open and honest conversations, where people do not judge one another, where the language used does not stigmatise or discriminate against people with mental health problems. This isn't a hard task for us to do, we just need to step up and do it! It's about taking a moment and thinking about what to say to someone who has disclosed to you they have a mental health problem. It's about sending a text message or offering a cuppa to someone who is struggling. It's about not excluding someone through fear that they may not be able to 'handle' it and instead, supporting them. 

Imagine the uproar there would be if the news reported an individual with another type of illness or disability being treated without their dignity in mind. It would make local, maybe even national news. It would be all over social media. But why not with mental health? Why aren't we shouting from the rooftops that things have to change? People are dying, for crying out loud. We all, as individuals, have the capacity to make a difference, even if it's a small one. It's about having an indiscriminate mind set, a listening ear and not judging someone when you're not living their life and walking in their shoes. 

Don't forget the 1 in 4 statistic. That's 1 in 4 of us who will have a mental health problem at any one time. Think of the number of friends and family you have. How many of them will be affected? Would you know what to say to someone you love with a mental illness? If you're looking for a sign to start talking about mental health, then this is it. 

I urge you, this World Mental Health Day, to do something that will help change the way the world sees mental health and it's associated illnesses. It doesn't have to be much - visit a website such as Mind, Time To Change or the Mental Health Foundation and read about common mental health problems and their symptoms. Perhaps you have a friend you know is struggling, and you could send them a text or invite them round for a cuppa. There's the option as well of sharing your own experiences and story with others to offer hope and to help others who are struggling to feel less alone.

What does dignity mean to you?

Going back to basics.

This summer has been a bit of a blur with everything that's happened and I've found myself taking some respite in the wonderful Scottish Highlands with my mum and step dad. It's beautiful, I must admit, and whilst at first I felt defensive and reluctant to settle into staying here for a while, I've started to fall in love with the little town where I am.

This blog post is all about the little things and going back to the basics - I've realised that my life is a combination of just too much going on in one go and still feeling I'm never doing enough. In today's world, nothing is good enough and we always feel we should be doing more than what we already are.

I recently reeled off all the things I was doing/wanted/needed to do to someone close and their response took me by surprise - 'well, how's that actually working for you right now?' And it was then I realised it wasn't working. Why do we strive to do more and more? Why do we never take the time to just... enjoy? Why can't we look ourselves in the mirror and give ourselves a pat on the back for what we've accomplished rather than hating ourselves for all that we haven't done?

Don't get me wrong - this is easier said than done, and despite taking some 'time out' I'm still struggling with the concept of stepping back and being mindful of what I am doing in the present moment. I toy frequently with the age ol' 'well I should be doing this ...' but I'm starting to see a different side, a different viewpoint. I must admit, it's a very wonderful viewpoint too. Here's a little snippet of the things I've been doing to try and go back to the basics.

Scotland is beautiful! I spent some time with my wonderful man and we explored all around Loch Ness, Drumnadrochit and Invermoriston. We found a gorgeous little stony bridge that needed a lot of tactile moving to walk on safely and a family of highland cows. The sun has been shining most days, with a wonderful 22 degrees some times. I even got my flip flops on at one point. The picture on the far right surprises me still when I look at it, as I seem to look healthier and more 'with it' shall we say. It's a nice feeling.

Walking was always lovely back home, especially with our dogs, but finding somewhere new was a beautiful experience. I felt calm being by the water and when you breathed in the air, it almost felt different - cold, clean, fresh. My other half got me to stand by the waterfall and shut my eyes for a moment to really take it in, and just taking that moment to be present in the moment felt so soothing to my very busy mind.

If you're feeling under the weather and can manage some time out, go explore. I enjoyed having my man with me, but if you like to wander alone, go explore some place new perhaps. Inhale the smells, take the time to notice the details around you. It's extremely rejuvenating and is a fantastic way to ground yourself.

One afternoon I even put aside to write letters. I can't even remember the last time I would have done this. I've spent so much time throwing myself into doing everything at once that I barely find time to send a text message some days, which is terrible. So this was so special. It was amazing to sit with the sun on my face, feeling the grass in between my toes and writing some special cards to my loved ones. It not only gave me the chance to be mindful, but it allowed me to recognise how fortunate I am to have such beautiful people in my life. I'm so grateful for how so many people stood by me when I was in hospital and since I have left and whilst I might be far from some people right now in distance, my heart is with them.

I really do recommend you blocking out an afternoon to do this. Writing letters to loved ones allows you to recognise the good you are surrounded by and of course, receiving a letter is a wonderful feeling. It's a good way as well to let people know that you're still around even if you've been a bit of a hermit recently! I've found that I haven't always wanted to talk and just needed some quiet time, so this is a good way of staying in touch without being stuck in front of a screen of some sort. 

This one might not be suited to everyone's way of going back to basics, but for me, it was really important. I can't remember the last time I had eaten a decent meal when I came to Scotland. My depression leaves me either not hungry or not having the energy to cook. I could go a few days before I realised I'd not eaten a vegetable or drunk water, having spent most of my days surviving off of coffee and snacks. Admittedly, this photo shows only one decent meal but the point is still valid! I'm very lucky that my mum has kindly made me a meal almost every night which then helps with my energy levels. It's also good considering the tablets I'm on too, so I've been tucking in happily. Yes the cakes might be naughty, but who cares? It's representative of spending time with very special people and watching the world go by without having to be a part of it. 

If you're struggling with depression and finding the energy to cook or prepare meals, don't be afraid to ask for help. Friends may be able to make some frozen meals you can quickly pop in the microwave and these days, the growing number of healthier ready meals in the supermarket mean you can have a stock pile to avoid you having to worry too much about going to lots of effort. That way, you know you're managing to have three meals a day which is important to keep those energy levels up, plus it can help with sleep too. If I'm too hungry, I lay in bed, shattered but with the shakes from low blood sugars - not nice!

My last bit of advice is sleep. Now I'm going to be honest - I'm not one to be able to provide much advice on this one, but being here in Scotland does mean I've been able to take advantage of slightly later mornings which helps particularly if I've had to take some additional meds. My sleep is often broken (I'm a bit chatty in my sleep...) but I make sure I take a nap if I'm desperately tired and take rest breaks in the day. Make sure you do the same, but try and keep in a routine if you can. Don't feel bad about a lay in at the weekend or having a lazy Sunday, it's all part of looking after yourself.

So there we go - going back to basics. What do you do to look after yourself which is simple, straight forward and based on being kind to yourself?

It's easier said than done to put a lot of these things in to practice, so I have discovered this past fortnight. But what I have found is when I give into them and embrace the simplicity of being kind to oneself, it has been extremely beneficial. I'm not as tense and I find relaxing just that little bit easier. It takes time and practice, but be kind and love yourself.

What to do when someone you love is on a psychiatric ward...

Being on a psychiatric unit is far from 'fun' (obviously). It's a very... 'alien' environment to get used to, and being uprooted from everything you know and being plonked on a ward in a small room with a single bed and a waterproof mattress on top of being unwell isn't easy to adjust to.

But what do you say to someone who's in a psychiatric hospital? What do you 'do'? It's strange but not many people know in my personal opinion. Heck, if I'm honest, would I have known what to do if it was someone else in my shoes? I'm not sure. It's not like a general hospital where you go in, get a clear cut diagnosis and receive treatment (note - I'm not suggesting being in a general hospital is any easier!).

This little blog post is dedicated to what I think may help to do when someone you love is on a psychiatric ward...

1. Send a get well card (or even just a small note they can keep).

Being in hospital is extremely lonely. The walls are bare, the rooms are tiny and you don't have all those home comforts you're used to. So if someone you know is staying in a psychiatric hospital, send them a get well card or a note they can pop up on their wall.

I was very lucky and had some beautiful pictures and photos sent to me. It made so much of a difference waking up and them being the first thing I see each day. The picture below was one of many sent by my cousin.

2. Appreciate that sometimes they may not be up to visitors. 

Night checks four times an hour. Very early mornings. Medication changes that make you tired one minute and buzzy the next. It can be exhausting being on a psychiatric ward and sometimes, all that someone might need is their bed and some rest. Don't be offended by this - if this individual was ill from the flu or was on strong painkillers that made them drowsy for a physical ailment, we wouldn't think twice about leaving them to recuperate.  

3. Don't keep them out of the loop about what's going on 'outside'. 

Keeping someone who is in hospital out of the loop about what's been happening with the family, how things have been at work or even what you've been up to may be considered as patronising for someone in hospital. If things are changing 'outside' then keep them updated with the intention to avoid any unsettling surprises for when they leave hospital. This comes with a side note, mind you - if what you have to say could be particularly detrimental to their recovery, then perhaps discuss with the individuals closest family member first, or even a member of staff in the hospital. 

My ward had Peer Support Workers who were approachable and a valuable tool for friends and family who visited me, particularly as they would be able to provide a listening ear and advice where appropriate. You can find out more about Peer Support by clicking here. 

4. Consider getting involved with activities with them (if appropriate and available!).

Most wards will have puzzles, art tools or maybe even outdoor walks for inpatients. It can be a lovely experience to do an activity with a loved one who's in a psychiatric unit as a reminder that you can still share a good time together despite the environmental situation. Plus, days on wards can seem long if you're a patient, so it's a great way to pass time, stay active, and hopefully there will be some smiling in the process. It could even be as simple an act as watching the TV together and having a hug.

Puzzles are my new found hobby all thanks to being in hospital. When my family visited, I was often stuck in the midst of one, surrounded by puzzle pieces with my concentration face on. I found getting lost in them incredibly therapeutic (though on bad days I found myself quick to get angry with them!) and I've continued to do puzzles since leaving. Below is a picture of me in hospital with my sister getting stuck in to the puzzle (and subsequently nearly finishing it...) and her girlfriend. 

5. It's okay to ask how they are - just don't expect the response you'd hoped for. 

I was lucky - my family are relatively open about my mental illnesses now and I've started to find it easier to open up to them about how I'm truly feeling without them judging me. But for others, it's not as straightforward. The impression I get is that some people just don't want to ask if a loved one on a psychiatric unit is okay. Or if they do, they expect a 'yeah, not bad, you know' and a swift move on. But please ask. And ask each time. But only if you are prepared for a genuine response. Some individuals may not want to open up about how they're feeling and instead, they merely want to enjoy your company. Accept and respect that. But also accept that sometimes, an individual may turn around and go 'no actually, I've been feeling a bit crap and I'm not sure what to do about it.' At that point, go grab a cuppa and listen. 

6. Get the facts. 

Leading on from number five... there's nothing wrong with doing a bit of research if you feel it will help. There's fantastic resources on the Time To Change website to help start those initial conversations about mental health. If you want to know more about a certain medication, the NHS Choices website has a guide to medicines and drugs. Perhaps you want to understand a loved ones diagnosis? Mind has an invaluable guide to different types of mental health problems as well as lots of other useful tools across their site. 

It's a bit cliché for some, but I believe in it - knowledge is power. Knowing more about a loved ones illness can potentially provide comfort to both you and the individual who's going through it. 

7. Let's be honest - now's probably not a good time to go in and talk about your issues.

Right. This one might seem a bit harsh, but it has to be said. Going in and talking to a loved one about your problems probably isn't going to be too helpful for a loved one in hospital. Hospital in itself, for a lot of people, is actually a traumatic experience. Not only are they having to deal with being particularly unwell but they're also in a strange environment and having to cope with that. Being burdened with someone else's dilemmas can be extremely unhelpful, and in some cases, harmful to their recovery. One thing that I'm slowly starting to learn is that self-care is not selfish, and instead necessary for survival. Many individuals in hospital will be learning the same thing with many therapeutic programmes encouraging self-care and spending the time to look after oneself as a priority. 

8. Leaving hospital does not mean 'cured'. 

If you break your leg, you go to hospital. When you leave, is that leg better? No. Sure there may be pain relief to make it easier, but now you have a cast on for six weeks, potentially some physio for the next few months. Heck, your leg might not ever be 100% better, there may always be that 'twinge' if you bend a certain way.

Being in a psychiatric hospital is no different. Hospital for those who have a mental illness provide a place of safety. They reduce risk and stabilise, most of the time through medication. When someone leaves a psychiatric hospital, they're in no way completely better. Leaving hospital is usually the start of the therapeutic journey, perhaps through taking therapies and/or adjustments to medication. Many individuals can find it difficult to adjust from a hospital environment to 'home life' again. I myself struggled with the transition - I was once again responsible for when and what I ate, remembering my medications and generally looking after myself. So be patient, be kind and expect more bad days than good at first. In my case, a lot of my days have involved way too many carbohydrates and duvet days, but I am starting to recognise my better days where I can clean the house or visit a friend. But the illness is far from gone and I consider the next part of my journey (therapeutic programmes) to perhaps be the toughest. I am now responsible for battling the demons on my own, and while I feel stronger, it doesn't mean I'm able to take the world back upon my shoulders. 

9. Lastly - never, ever, give up on them.

I'll admit it - since I left hospital, I've been a hermit. Some days I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. Friends and family may text me and I just have no energy to reply, or sometimes I just don't feel emotionally well enough to do so. 

At times like this is when someone who's just left hospital may need you to have patience and be kind. Offer to come over and make a cuppa, or invite them over to you. Just don't be offended if they don't reply straight away or say no. I also have to cancel things last minute which riddles me with guilt, so I'm certain other people probably feel the same! In those cases, reassure the individual that it's not a problem but encourage to rearrange for another time if possible. 

But don't give up - be there when you can and remember it's the little things that mean the most. A phone call, a cup of tea, a text can all make someone's day. 

If you have any other ideas about what has helped for you or someone you now, please leave a comment!

- x -

The wanderer returns.

June is the last time I blogged - eek!

I've wanted to blog for weeks and weeks but I've not been able to find the words and the time. My summer didn't go how I hoped for it to at all and so blogging was just a no-go. It's a shame, I thought I was starting to get back with it a little but alas, life got in the way.

So where have I been?

Throughout July, I found my mental health deteriorated. I found my sleep patterns to be... well... not much of a pattern and more a jumble of naps. My appetite went up and down - one minute I would have bitten your arm off if you've tried to take my carbs away from me, the next minute I found myself skipping meals and instead living off of caffeine. I managed to get a new job though which had given me some focus. I loved the people I worked with and I thought things would balance out eventually. I planned to work hard over the summer, get some money behind me and go back with more of a level head for university in September.

August got worse though. I was being seen by a local Wellbeing Service which I didn't feel was doing me any favours. I didn't seem to be working on anything and I felt as though I wasn't really being heard. As ever, I ended up just taking a small tree of paper away from me, but as I said to the therapist, I had no concentration or focus to be able to sit and read it. Everything was spiralling. My anxiety had taken over, my Panic Monster was gobbling me up and the OCD made everything, especially eating, extremely difficult. A dark cloud was over my head and whilst most of the time I can recognise some rays of sunshine poking through, this time there was just darkness. And it loomed closer and closer to me, to the point where I felt consumed. It was then I lost all hope and I couldn't really recognise what I was doing.

Friday 14th August is a day I won't forget. I'm not going into any detail because I don't see it necessary and it pains me to talk about. But it was terrible, and painful, and very very scary. I ended up being admitted to hospital and spending three weeks there. My birthday fell on the 17th August, and whilst I was grateful to have so many people around me, it was bittersweet. I woke up expecting my other half to be next to me in bed whilst I opened my cards, my little dogs jumping all over the bed and just generally being a wonderful nuisance but instead I'd had little to no sleep and everything was making me cry.

So I got discharged 3rd September and here we are. No one warns you about coming home and how alien it can feel. But I'm slowly getting there, adjusting to 'normal' life. There's not much of a routine at the moment, I take each moment as it happens, and I still find it difficult to sit and merely recover. I've been told this is what is good for me though, rest, taking it easy - I guess the same as you'd expect to be told if you'd left general hospital. Some days I want company, other days I don't want to see or hear from anyone. Perhaps the most difficult decision that has been made since I have left is to take a year out from university. It's extremely heartbreaking to watch as this illness has taken away the things I have loved, to sap the enjoyment out of everything.

But thankfully, there is an ounce of hope in there somewhere I believe. I am thankful for my family who have stood by me at my darkest hour. I have fallen in love with my boyfriend all over again as he sat with me in hospital for hours on end, trying to make me smile when all I wanted to do was hide away from the world. I've even got the chance to go back to my job full time which is a great opportunity to progress and earn some much needed pennies in the meantime.

So in a very small nutshell, there is my story of where I've been since June. I plan to blog more, as a release and as a focus. I'd like the opportunity for it to grow, to help others perhaps. If you have any suggestions as to what may help, please do let me know.

May I ask that if you have read this post and you are struggling to seek help. Don't let it get to crisis point because however much hospital can keep you safe, it is not a place for recovery and I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone. There are support lines out there, forums, even apps that allow you to talk to someone, anyone. Sometimes speaking to a stranger is actually the saving grace. Don't suffer alone, please.

This is what it feels like.

I'm not sure why I decided to do this, but today I filmed a minor anxiety attack I had. I'd been thinking about doing it for a while but today just felt right. I've had a crappy week (and I mean Crappy with a capital 'C') but thankfully I was at home when this attack struck. It mostly involved hyperventilating, tension and an inability to move/talk/function. Stringing a sentence together was difficult and you'll see in the video I have lots of twitches and jerks which are common with my attacks.

Why did I do this? To be honest, I'm not sure I have the answer. All I knew was that this wasn't too bad, but I wanted people to see, to understand that even anxiety disorders on an 'alright' day can be discomforting and distressing. I would find it difficult to be in any kind of social situation when this happened (which you'll probably agree with after watching the video).

Anxiety disorders come with a lot of ambiguity and that's what I struggle with. It's the fact that I can be having an average day - today I've had a wonderfully productive cleaning day - and it can just come slap me in the face out of nowhere. That's the problem with an anxiety disorder, it just comes gobbles you up whenever it pleases.

I do have a video my partner decided to take from a couple of weeks back which shows me struggling with a particularly bad attack, but I'm not sure I want to share yet. We'll see how this goes first.

I think it's just important to recognise the physical symptoms an anxiety disorder brings with it. Yes, the psychological symptoms are incredible difficult to cope with and manage, but in combination with the physiological symptoms it can be hard to move at all.

If anyone is suffering with panic attacks, please know you are not alone. Seek help. Ask for support. You deserve it.

The Panic Monster.

PLEASE NOTE THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS.

The panic attacks have gotten to a point where they are literally taking over.

I spend most of the day now in anticipation (unhealthy, yes, I know). But my panic attacks have gotten to the point now where I wait, knowing that some time soon, probably when I try to settle in for the evening and shake off the stresses of the day, that heart rate will be going up. I feel the nausea sweeping through me and that's when I get hot. Half of my mind is going 'now, now, Kimberley, just breathe, focus on what you're doing, concentrate, it won't amount to anything...' while the other half is going 'You're going to die. This is it. This is the end. Here's the hot flush - you must be ill, you're unwell, you're not safe, we need to get up, move around, GO GO GO' and before I know it, my throat has closed up, I'm unable to sit down anymore and I'm pacing the lounge, my bedroom, the halfway, my head getting more and more dizzy as it passes. I'm touching my face, clinging on to my neck, shaking shaking SHAKING and feel half-way between as though I've been hit by a bus and the other half almost wanting to jump in front of one just to stop the pain, the misery, the... suffering as melodramatic as it sounds.

Panic attacks are one of those things that don't sound that 'serious' and to be fair, they're not, in the sense that you're not going to die from them, you're not going to have a heart attack from one, or anything like that. But to me, in that moment, they are the worst thing I could go through. Painful, debilitating - they turn me into this shaky little girl, terrified of everything, everyone (including myself). My eyes whizz around my head, unable to focus on anything in front of me. Thoughts go over and over and over in my mind, some of them so... pedantic, pointless, meaningless. But they're there, and my head is loud, so loud, it's like my conscious is screaming at me.

And how on earth do you stop that cycle of being scared and preoccupied with when the next one is going to spring on you? It's so easy for someone to say 'well, just don't think about it! You don't know what's going to happen!' - Yes. True. Also INCREDIBLY frustrating for someone with an anxiety disorder. Not only do I not want another panic attack but I also like to know exactly what's going on and when (not practical, I know!).

The 'problem' with me (as it has been referred to by most therapists/doctors/etc) is that I'm too 'high functioning.' Jeez, just typing that makes me angry. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to be 'high functioning', whatever that is, but truth is, I've just lived with this very anxious little brain for so many years now that it's like I've had to almost hide it. An outsider sees me as this high achieving full-time student, in a strong relationship and holding down a good job. Inside, I'm crying out for someone to see the frightened little girl inside who feels like she's constantly going to spontaneously combust with anxiety and obsessive thoughts. The bigger issue comes when you're not with a professional who may understand your situaition - how do you tell someone you've only just met you suffer with such extreme panic attacks that it's highly likely that if they're on their own with you, they have a good chance of having to get a health professional at some time during our knowing of one another? How do you approach a new employer and say 'well thanks! I'm so glad I did so well in the interview and you see me doing well in the company, but did I mention that sometimes I breathe so fast that my lips turn blue and my legs end up not working?'

At the moment, I feel stuck between being happy in terms of I have exciting things happening in my life right now but I would do anything to feel that happiness without the bloomin' panic that comes with it all. The sleepless nights but the very sleepy days. The wanting to eat everything one minute and not being physically able to eat the next. The hand-washing over and over until the skin on my hands split. All I want is to enjoy my holiday, my time off from uni, spend time with my family, my friends, explore the county and simply be... peaceful.

Anyway, I've started some new tablets but after a freakin' Horrendous (it deserved a capital 'h') panic attack tonight, my anxious brain is kinda not wanting to continue them, even though I've only taken three. I've been on Escitalopram for quite some time now which got increased a couple of months ago but I'm wondering whether it's doing the trick any more. This time, my wonderful doc has added Busperone with it as well. I was originally prescribed these a year ago but the emetophobic in me just couldn't handle it I guess. I'm thinking of giving it a break from the new tablets until I'm back from my little holiday next week. Whilst the travelling is bound to cause a stir, at least I can try and rationalise it without the worry of extra tablets.

Do you suffer from panic attacks? How do you cope? How do you stay strong when they seem to be grinding you down? I'd love your top tips so I can share on another (hopefully more cheerful/useful) blog post later.

Take care for now.

Love,

Kimberley x